Moving Up But Torn

Haven't blogged for three days. Which completely means my life was pretty busy.

Over the last three days, I have experienced being sad, happy, confused, mad... in other words, I was stressed. And that's the worst state that anyone should see me in. And I finally had the breakdown last night, when I discovered that I have no dinner. Yep, insult me all you want but please just never take away food from me. Yep, I love food. In fact, my classmates-slash-friends told me that I looked like I've gain weight. Seriously? After the months that I spent dieting and going to the gym that's what I get? They said my face was bloated. I seriously, felt ugly. :( So, I'm back to being very strict with my diet. And promised that after exams I would go to the gym five times a week, no matter what it takes. Yes people, I'm a fitness freak, okay? :)

Okay, about my title, moving up. Me and J have been take tiny steps into making our relationship better than worst. I love how our normal texting came back, a bit. But he needs to stop playing computer games. Like, we are texting each other and the second look at my phone, he won't reply, because his playing. Yeah, leave your girlfriend alone to wait for a reply that won't come.

And torn. Well, there's this new guy I met, and he kinda really likes me. He asked me If he could court me and be my boyfriend. He doesn't know I have a bf, but you know, he's very sweet and caring. Might enjoy this attention first, attention I never get from my own boyfriend.

Is this wrong? :(
I just want to feel important for once.

xo

Scared and Stationary.

Describing myself right now.

I am utterly scared for midterm exams next week and well, stationary because I'm always in my room.

I really want to talk to my dad and say sorry. But I just couldn't find the perfect time. I miss talking to my parents and having silly conversations with them.

But how? Dad's birthday is coming up and I need to say sorry ASAP.

Wish me luck. *fingers crossed*
Off to the gym for now.

xo

Is there a rewind button?

If I could just turn back time and correct the bad things that I have done, we would still be perfect now. How can I be so stupid and immature?

Here I am, texting him, thinking that we are okay. Unfortunately, not on his book. I am still someone whom he'll treat coldly and will always be his girlfriend whom he has trust issues with. We might be, as what our facebook status says "in a relationship" but things are far from perfect.

I just want October to come fast. Cause I know, when we will see each other again, it will all be good. I hope.

Now, if I may say good night cause I'll still be studying for a big quiz.

xo

Passing school. Flunking on people.

Start of my day was surprisingly very different to the cold treatment at home. I was highest in our quiz and I felt that my friends actually wanted me to be there. If only my class was until afternoon, but no, I still need to go home.

Went to gym and felt shitty and ugly.

On the other hand, while I'm passing school, I was doing a horrible job at home.

It hit me. My relationships with people are going downhill. Realized it when I offered biscuits to our helper and she just looked at me and asked "What's that?" and I replied "Biscuits". She looked scared or maybe feels sorry for me, she answered me with a "NO", that actually hurt my pride, I went out of my way and gave her my favorite snacks, I have no choice but to place it on their bed and I just said "That's yours, makes my stomach big", left with a smile.

But when I returned to my room, I feel like crying. Me and my parents aren't talking, me and J... I don't even know what the hell is happening to us, and now our helpers. Great, can't wait to be deaf forever. No one will be talking to me now.

Help?

xo

My lips are sealed. I'm shutting up.

My mom just told me that I offend her when I talk to her sometimes. And it's the reason why my dad got mad at me. And they're giving me the silent treatment and a cold shoulder. Therefore, I'm stuck in my room.

Probably will swallow my pride and say sorry to my dad. But won't be that open to them anymore.

It's time for me to switch my silent mode.

Alone and no one to talk to.

The main reason why I created this blog.

Want to be more specific? Well first, my parents aren't talking to me. My dad just yelled at me because he didn't like the way I answered him, but that was me talking in my normal accent, tone and voice. But of course, I'm the child, I always lose, no matter how right I am. But they'll come around, I hope.

I only have two reasons.

Lastly, my boyfriend, let's just call him J. Things aren't looking up in our relationship. It's our 10 month anniversary today and he sent me a text at 5PM while I sent mine at 12AM. How crazy is that? I feel sad, embarrassed and unimportant right now. Not even an "I love you" from him. Can someone please shake him up and be the guy that I once fell in love with?

How can one say it's time to give up in a relationship? Lecture me as many times as you want but I know I'll still forgive him.

But the question is, UNTIL WHEN?

xo